The Evolution of a Toddler

I don’t believe in evolution.  I just don’t.  That said, I firmly believe toddlers have evolved from raccoons.

I would know this to be true because I currently live with two raccoons … toddlers.  This fact is evident just by looking at the proliferation of gray hairs on my head, my ever-thinning patience, and the slight twitch that’s developed just above my right eye. I’m a tired, impatient, twitching, gray-headed lady.  But this story’s about raccoons, not me…

… … …

Like raccoons, toddlers are typically up to no good.  They’re rowdy.  Absolutely unruly.  Mind-boggling hooligans!  

They share a number of key character qualities.  The evidence is really quite staggering.  Allow me to explain:

They’re opportunistic.  A trait both species share, they know just how far to push you.  Just before they un-do you, they amp up the charm.  They’re both small in stature but they can claw your face off in 20 seconds flat - there’s not one thing you can do about it.  They eat almost anything except whatever it is you made for dinner.  They will try to eat leaves or the gum underneath a public picnic table; they’ll rummage through the garbage…but the meal that took over an hour to make, they swat it away.  They steal your stuff – after all, they are masked bandits.  Just further proof of their genetic relation.  When I lived in the mountains of northern New Mexico, raccoons would unscrew the bottoms of the hummingbird feeders and swig that red, sweet sugar water like it was put there for them!  Likewise, my toddlers swipe my drinks, steal my keys, pilfer my sanity…    Toddlers, like raccoons are nocturnal foragers.  I kid you not, just last night my 3-year old, HOURS PAST HIS BEDTIME mind you, begged to eat just one more ‘nack because he was just so hun-gee momma.  (Again, I cite the earlier reference of knowing just how far to push before being absolutely adorable…)  As a rule, they’re both badly behaved in public, lack standard balancing and coordination skills, and are messy little creatures.

And living with raccoons is hard.  I mean, test your resolve, make-you-hide-in-the-linen-cabinet, kind of crazy.  

Also just yesterday, I took Addison to a doctor appointment.  I left the house with only one eye maascara’d.  After running several errands in town, INTERACTING WITH OTHER ADULT HUMAN BEINGS, it wasn’t until 45 minutes - FORTY.FIVE.MINUTES, later y'all, down the road that I popped open the sun visor mirror and realized I only did one eye.  Sheesh.  

So it’s no wonder mothers who are living with raccoons do some off-the-wall, crazy-cat-lady, hobbit-type kind of stuff.  And, also, I think most of us raccoon-raising mommas are killing it.  I mean, absolutely slaying the parenting stuff.  Aside from a few hiccups here or there, the parents I know are absolute GIANTS.  Staying strong, hanging in there, and standing in the gap for their kids.  Always doing what it takes even when the raccoons haven’t the slightest clue.

So keep it up, you moms and dads of nocturnal foragers…you’re not alone!  And some day, they tell me, we will all get more sleep.  Until that day comes, don’t grow weary in doing good…your little raccoons depend on you!

From the Fullness of His Grace (and a raccoon-raising momma too...)

Lacey